💐Springtime Nostalgia💐

from month 2: Springtime Nostalgia💐

"Let Her Out"

by Gravel (@gravel._.)

For the longest time, I drank my coffee black.

Every morning, the key to releasing the weights in my eyelids was at the bottom of a cup

Its what my Father did, and my Father's Father, and all the great men before me

Every morning, I would taste hot shame running all the way down

For the longest time, I would chase off sleep through gritted teeth

Every night, I would comfort the fragile girl in my heart, the one I had kept locked away

I felt alone in this, like I was the only one in the world stupid enough to want to hide

Every night, when it got to be too much, I would feel the same shame bubble over and pour from my eyes

For the longest damn time, I would distract myself from what I knew to be true

Every sip of mud I forced down, necessary to function

Every disgusted tear that fell on my face, and mine alone

Every tick of the clock, reminding me that I was already 'Too Late'

I knew that I was slipping, so I finally found the strength to grab on

For the longest time, I was prepared to leave everyone behind

And yet, behind every tearful confession, I found love that burned hotter than the shame

Every friend provided comfort and understanding, they let me know I was safe

My Father made a point not to push me, giving me the space I needed to grow

My Mother claimed she always knew, and tried to support me in her own way

My big Brother, I wish you could've seen who I am about to become

For the longest time, I lived tasting nothing but shame and exhaustion

For the longest time, I thought it had to be me alone

For the longest time, I thought that's all I was allowed

For only a little while now, I've finally accepted that to be false.

I still taste that shame cup of shame, but not every morning

I still comfort her in my heart, the door has been unlocked for some time now

I still find distractions, but only so often, and only when I haven nothing else

I still feel the love afforded to me, I hold it close when I need it most

I still have to remind myself that I have no reason to be alone anymore

For too long did I fear falling, that I failed even to stand

So finally, after far, far, far, too much time wasted

I swear to myself

I will learn to let her out

I will learn to let her feel shame

I will learn to let her fly

No matter how long it takes

"Neuralgia"

by Hajime (@haralampos_is_here)

What exactly is a feeling

that leaves an everlasting impression..?

What exactly causes weeping

enclosing my hopes in unending devastation..?

A feeling that remains strong and unwithering

One that grows even more in intensity

One that stays with me as I am shivering

not by cold, but by an entrapping viscosity

INSUFFERABLE

It's pain... unimaginable one

No voice can put into words

As if my whispers don't ever fleet away

Covered by a bestial growl with no thoughts

NEURALGIA

Enough for me to leave it all behind

I look at my hand, the fingertips sharp, pointy

Transformed by the desperation I can't hide...

On impulse, an urge

My own limb I can't contain

As it crawls in my face

Like an serpent filled with maggots

Eating away, cutting the cords...

Yet I was the only one, in this lonely "purge"...

The cords, the nerves, left hanging, mangled...

And i could only see, the present darkness

As the pain faded away, leaving me strangled...

And soon enough, the cold breeze became null...

The fresh grass lost its mesmerizing scent...

And I could only wonder, regretting it all...

Alone, in darkness, voiceless, imagining I wept...

What didn't leave me was my regret...

And a growing, shivering cold...

Growing stronger and STRONGER...

It was consuming me...

And I had no voice to scream...

Was it worth giving it all up, to elude the pain?

Was I right to stray myself from the world away?

I am missing it, all that surrounded me already...

But my mind.... grows foggy in steady...

I ...was tired... don't.... leave me...

I'm....sorry...

...

"Child"

by Why,-Fi? (@why_fie)

Once there was a child

A child that spent every waking moment

Looking at the sky, dreaming of growing wings

The child wished he could fly

Everyone praised the child

They told him to try his best

They told him he had unlimited potential

And the child believed them

But all the child did was dream

Days passed as the child danced around on the grass

Thinking about the nice, cool breeze

The warmth of the sun

As time went on, the child noticed his lack of wings

He noticed the staircases everyone was building

To reach the clouds he sought

While he was still there on the ground

The child had to be put aside

The child could no longer dream of the sky

The child had spent so long staring upwards

That the adult had forgotten what it was like to look ahead

To make progress towards a future he could no longer see

"Almost"

by Atila (@atilapolis)

Almost

O purest light—you never reach my night

O sweetest dream—you never come in sight

You’re always warm and near in memory

Yet never touch the hands of longing’s plea

Each morning without you feels like dusk again

O sun of mine—you never cross the plain

I want you like a breath in silent air

But never do you stir the pulse I bear

Your name still flows in me like rivers do

But never reach the sea, the waves, or you.

"Looking back"

by AJ (@sleep123)

Ink leaking from this page a record of all my soulmates to describe how it feels in time I have no better way than looking back tracing the time scars littered all over my body some physical others internal a collection of different memories a argument unable to find a way to persuade someone in time crumple another I was rash and so I got to far to quick to judge to slow to understand so a blade held in hand

To love and to lose or have my own sense of reality come undone checking apon my legs I come to reminisce on a lie which never has ended

The helplessness of being homeless in sight that's how my shoulders are free of aches and pains yet clearly have been slashed

Memories flick ebbing and flowing like a ghost under the pale moonlight

I under the cold glow of the moonlight set my feelings alight to burn it all without a trace maybe that would let me find peace never more will I find happiness yet I still try

Nevermore will I believe said lie yet it stings like truth still with lemon juice known as a lie worsening the wound

To be perfect was out of the case when your starting from a unequal place

My mind going faster than light thinks over once or twice how my ability is impaired yet the world seems not to care to be torn between 3 worlds it puts strain on my seams but I put back on the mask and wait for the next day to pass

"A memory"

by Hajime (@haralampos_is_here)

Whenever a person has plenty of time

They tend to think plenty

Only to realize they have nothing to find

Only to lie down, feeling weary...

Such is the case with thinking of memories

What purpose to those ever serve..?

To survive in the wild, learning from stories..?

To avoid mistakes, from the past preserved..?

And yet why do they cause such an ache

For which no remedy can truly be crafted..?

What is even the point, when the past did fade

To even wonder what could have been altered..?

Time and time again I wondered about it

As if I'm constantly living in the past

I really should move forward, that's what I need

But the present isn't enough, it just won't last...

It's always the same think, regret

What could have gone differently..?

How could I have left my mark..?

Have I been good for anything, should I repent..?

But that won't change anything, currently...

But I really do know that I'll miss you

I've been through that same story

Time and time again, and now too

Soon enough I know I'll just feel sorry...

I know our time together is only ephemeral

Yet I can't help but cherish your warmth

Your soft touch, reassuring words and all

Under the star riddled night sky

An everlasting memory coming forth

Yet even then part of me cannot bear it

The bittersweet feeling that our love

Will be for nothing, like a candle that once lit

And then I'll be alone again, weeping for more...

I know it's egotistical of me to think of this...

Instead of seizing the moment completely

I would use the last of my willpower for a wish

To forget about our moments together entirely

Because I can't bear it to look back anymore

So I just want to feel that something is amiss

And only a sliver of that fuzzy warmth

Will remain, as the memory fades into the abyss

"Coming Out"

by Maiden (@maidenofmystery)

I am a woman

And I’ve always known that

I just never realized it when I was younger

As a matter of fact

When it came time to realize, it was painfully obvious

I liked growing out my hair at a young age and when I was “misgendered” it didn’t make my eyes fill with rage

“You have a very pretty little girl!”

Is how other parents would engage

Complimented on my long hair, my eyelashes, my lips

That was happiness that couldn’t be staged

I was always jealous of girls, they looked so pretty

Every inch of them was perfect from their legs to their tit- um- faces

And I thought to myself “when I talk to a girl every masculine feature in me erases”

It WAS jealousy, it WAS envy

And since those childhood years I’ve thought about it plenty

But my parents wouldn’t let me, obviously

Religion and politics was a pretty penny

But it’s THEIR fault

They wanted a girl!!!

And they told me this blatantly

So excuse me for now conforming to what you wanted

You got your precious little girl, but don’t let her mental health be stunted

Just because from a religious and political standpoint this isn’t ideal to you

But I can’t tell you, this is something I can never reveal to you

If I were to tell you it would be a sealed deal for me

And apparently I’d inherently be mentally ill for believing I’m me

In my teenage years I had a very warped perception of myself

My mental health was the worst it had ever been and I let myself be lead to my own deception

Abiding by my parents political and religious beliefs

I couldn’t be myself, I had to hate that part of me

But online I knew honestly

I could be me

So I was

Short hair

Short nails

In my brain there’s a buzz

I couldn’t take it anymore

Yes I was confused

But this was the truth about me

And the truth I couldn’t refuse

Let me be a woman

Let me be who I am

I AM a woman

I AM NOT a man.

I’ve looked in the mirror, I am a girl

Even if my body doesn’t match it I won’t let that narrative be twirled

I hate facial hair

I hate hair on my legs

I do want long hair

I do want a larger chest

And now that I’m finally going off by myself, that’s something I get to invest in

And I know that personally that’s my best interest

My brother accepts me for who I am

Some of my friends do too

I can’t tell a lot of them

But I feel safe around those that I do

I used to not accept myself too

I used to look down upon myself for being a weirdo

I used to hate my body and I still kinda do

But when you have someone else to appreciate it a bit more

That helps a little

Now I know I haven’t been the most public about it

So here’s what I’m going to do

For those of you that didn’t already know

I’m a trans woman, or just a woman, and I’m coming out to you!

"The Villain"

by Hajime (@haralampos_is_here)

Nobody is a stranger to those types of stories

Where a character is pushed over the edge

And through a thorny path filled with follies

They can't look back, down goes the bridge

Such absolute stories

People deemed irredeemable

Their premise, though, irresistible

As it sparks forth my worries

So what am I then, to find those familiar

So intrigued by the ethos of the far gone

So eager, yet take aback, finding them similar

As if gazing at a mirror, one that serves to haunt

What have I to look back to..?

A past filled with regrets and inaction..?

One of restrains, pain and overthinking ..?

The irony of the inanimate action..?

And what if I attempt to visualize the future..?

One of ruthless ambition and disregard

Revenge and arrogance, thought off as suture

Will it at be right in this regard..?

Most dreaded of all is the present itself

A distraction from the surroundings, hollow

Eluding from my grasp, a punishment so fair

It's unbearable, I'm just left there to wallow

A past so worthless it averts the gaze...

A future so petty, it never brings clarity...

A present so shallow, tainted by vanity...

All that remains is an unforgiving haze...

And through the fog, I am left all alone

No redeeming qualities for the Hermit madman

The stubbornness halts the chance to atone

And so I'm deemed the outcast, a Hanged Man

I wish I could just...

SCREAM. IT. ALL. OUT.

Such is the fate of the Villain, isn't it..?

"Bridge in flames"

by AJ (@sleep123)

Yin and yang you and I I simply thought you were mine wishing on a shooting star I had grown to find passion can only take one so far a field of death the end in sight the hundreds of miles between us the bridge of trust we had torched to the ground once I held you fondly now all I can do is press delete

My word is my binding contract a contradictory nature for one so alone as I

Scars riddle my arms my nature unraveling

The pen becomes heavier

Longing to say more

The end